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How To Give Cat/Dogs Pills
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11) Fetch scre! wdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little x&*@#''s front paws to rear paws with
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table,
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough
about it! Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from
hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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