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How To Give Cat/Dogs Pills


1)  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm

    as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb

    on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure

    to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat

    opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close

    mouth and swallow.

2)  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3)  Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away.

4)  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm

    holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws

    open and push pill to back of mouth with right

    forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of

    wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6)  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,

    hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by

    cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while

    forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler

    and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7)  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from

    foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair

    curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases

    from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat

    with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in

    end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and

    blow down drinking straw.

9)  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,

    drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to

    spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold

    water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.

    Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door

    onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with

    desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11) Fetch scre! wdriver from garage and put cupboard door

    back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.

    Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and

    check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply

    whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back

    another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one

    from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from

    tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed

    into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill

    from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little x&*@#''s front paws to rear paws with

    twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table,

    find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill

    into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough

    about it! Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of

    water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to

    the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches

    fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from

    right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new


15) Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from

    hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any



1)  Wrap it in bacon.

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